I am almost 24 years old. I still am training myself to deal with failure and hurt and disappointment. I am not yet sure of what the best way to deal with it is. When I let it affect me, I do not have the courage to face what caused the failure anymore and hence overcome it. Lately, I have been telling myself to grow some balls and deal with it. But what I have been actually doing is forcing myself to be numb to these things. And then one fine day, the tiniest, silliest thing could be the last straw to break my back! I know it from experience. Not sure why I am doing it again.
Maybe I should be more mature about it. Deal with it in a more logical way. Maybe my train of thought should be : okay things didn't work; why? how? what do i change to make it work? and do it again with the new parameters. But then, this is what I do in my numb semi-logical state of mind. I hate it when I worry about what people think of me. But I do worry about what my boss thinks of me. It would be very pretentious of me to say that I don't. And standing and working for eight hours straight on a three day experiment over and over again and seeing it fail over and over again is not funny. It's like a slap on the face. Maybe that's how life is. You pay a price for the good things it offers. You need to put up with the shittiness, the many failures. I wonder what's greater; the pain you endure to survive here or the fear of death. Or are they the same?
I suddenly remember the very first line of a poem I had to read in sixth grade i think. ' What is this life, if full of care. I have no time to stand and stare' I think that's how it started. Thinking of it makes me sad. I had long stopped believing that there is any meaning to life or we are born with a specific purpose. I just think that we are born and one day we die. And life goes on. But while we are here or at least while I am here, I shouldn't take a single moment for granted. Feel lucky to be born and experience life. And despite these 'ideals' I feel life for me hasn't begun yet. Everything seems bleak and uncertain. I don't know if there's light at the end of this tunnel. I feel trapped. I want to get out but I dont know where to go. When I try to be brave and try to be optimistic and try to do things the right way, it hurts infinitely more when it doesn't work.
A note to readers : I am completely 100% against the idea of suicide. I think it is cowardly and stupid and selfish. I feel extremely low at the moment and am just writing down my thoughts. Please do not get wrong ideas.
Maybe I should be more mature about it. Deal with it in a more logical way. Maybe my train of thought should be : okay things didn't work; why? how? what do i change to make it work? and do it again with the new parameters. But then, this is what I do in my numb semi-logical state of mind. I hate it when I worry about what people think of me. But I do worry about what my boss thinks of me. It would be very pretentious of me to say that I don't. And standing and working for eight hours straight on a three day experiment over and over again and seeing it fail over and over again is not funny. It's like a slap on the face. Maybe that's how life is. You pay a price for the good things it offers. You need to put up with the shittiness, the many failures. I wonder what's greater; the pain you endure to survive here or the fear of death. Or are they the same?
I suddenly remember the very first line of a poem I had to read in sixth grade i think. ' What is this life, if full of care. I have no time to stand and stare' I think that's how it started. Thinking of it makes me sad. I had long stopped believing that there is any meaning to life or we are born with a specific purpose. I just think that we are born and one day we die. And life goes on. But while we are here or at least while I am here, I shouldn't take a single moment for granted. Feel lucky to be born and experience life. And despite these 'ideals' I feel life for me hasn't begun yet. Everything seems bleak and uncertain. I don't know if there's light at the end of this tunnel. I feel trapped. I want to get out but I dont know where to go. When I try to be brave and try to be optimistic and try to do things the right way, it hurts infinitely more when it doesn't work.
A note to readers : I am completely 100% against the idea of suicide. I think it is cowardly and stupid and selfish. I feel extremely low at the moment and am just writing down my thoughts. Please do not get wrong ideas.
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